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Why Joe Rogan Ruined the Economy

The year was 1990. The place: Guyana. A 23 year-old grifter named Joe Rogan was about to stumble into one of the most powerful cabals the world has ever known.

The Bilderberg Group was formed shortly after World War II by a close knit group of Nazi acrobats. Brothers Gerzenfling and Blaupunkt Bilderberg were reportedly Adolf Hitler's favorite tumblers in the elite 'Trappenzee Hungzolffenweiss' acrobatics brigade. It was said that their somersaults delighted the Fuhrer so much that he awarded them with the highest award for acrobatics that the Third Reich had to offer - the Iron Baton. The third member of the Group was Engerbaad the Furious Mime, who was actually a Dutch deaf-mute, but all you really needed to be a Nazi acrobat back then was a furious attitude and a little grease paint, but I digress...

In the weeks following the war, the group tumbled and mimed their way across Europe, narrowly avoiding capture several times through their deft cartwheelings and furious miming, until they boarded a hot-air balloon in Morocco and finally touched down in Guyana.

Guyana, during the 1950's, 1960's and 1970's was nothing more than a minor ex-Nazi acrobat commune with a thriving scrimshaw exporting industry. The Bilderberg group was well known for their excellent sperm whale tooth designs depicting graceful somersaulting Nazi acrobats. I mean, these were museum quality pieces - the kind of shaw you just didn't see in the latter half of the 20th century. Their specialty was in creating shading cross-hatches that were perfectly aligned. Really top notch scrimshaw. You can get some pretty decent coin for this stuff if you had the right connections.

Anyways, in 1988, Joe Rogan graduated from MIT with a degree in boat building. Instead of finding work in a respectable boat building firm, Joe, always the renegade, decided to build his own submarine and embark for a life as an undersea grifter specializing in three card monte and wristwatch thievery.

So, one spring day in 1990, Joe Rogan surfaced his submarine next to a Guyanese Coast Guard ship and was getting his three card monte table set up on the bridge when his submarine ran aground. Poor Joe Rogan was devastated, so he went to the nearest Tiki Bar and ordered a scotch on the rocks. Little did he know that he was sitting next to the world famous Bilderberg Group. Upon seeing some of their exquisite scrimshaw sitting on the bar, he came up with a brilliant idea. After explaining his plan to the Bilderbergs, the Group laughed at him, which sent Joe into a drunken rage. He punched Engerbaad the Furious Mime in the face so hard that it killed him, and that's when the Bilderberg Group knew Joe Rogan meant business. They shook hands and the brothers Bilderberg and Joe Rogan became the foundation of what we know as the Bilderberg Group today.

The plan was devilishly simple. First, Joe Rogan built a museum in Guyana. Then, he found an infant, taught it how to smoke cigars and then the board of directors (The Bilderberg Group) voted the cigar smoking infant to be the president of the museum. Once that was established, Joe Rogan acted as a scrimshaw dealer and sold the Bilderberg's scrimshaw to the museum for a wildly high price. Since everyone knows that infants don't have a ton of money, the group would ignore the payments - always making sure to pay the sales tax though, to avoid the Guyanese IRS - and then have the museum's board of directors insure the scrimshaw for a lot of money. Then they would put the cigar smoking infant president in his crib to take a nap and the whole place would burn down. They would collect the insurance money, build a new museum, find a new infant and teach it to smoke cigars, sell him scrimshaw, insure it, put him down for his nap, collect insurance money all over again.

This little scheme was working like clockwork for the first 18 years and they were going through 3 or 4 museums a year. Nobody really knows how much money was generated by the scheme, although it is estimated to be several billion.

Then came November of 2008. A new president was elected to the White House, and this president, unlike his predecessor, wasn't about to let American insurance companies insure museums run by cigar smoking infants. The cigar smoking infant museum president lobby wasn't able to pull any strings with this new administration, so Joe Rogan had to put the Bilderberg Group to work on a new, even more devious plan to ruin the American economy so Obama would leave. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha (that's Joe Rogan's laugh, not mine).

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Lance Armstrong Saves the Economy

Washington (B4M) -- The ailing U.S. economy has found its savior in the most unlikely of places. Seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong has single-handedly reversed the financial downturn in his usual stunning speed.

Although skeptics claim that a man on a bicycle with no formal economics training couldn't possibly cause the economy to rebound and then skyrocket, nine-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong countered, "You have to keep in mind, I'm twelve-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong! I once ran the New York City Marathon in under three hours...in business socks!"

When asked for specific details regarding his latest superhuman feat, the fifteen-time Tour de France winner responded, "I just strapped on my dopey little helmet and rode my bicycle real fast for a long time. I sold a few bracelets along the way and stuff too."

President Obama, upon learning of Armstrong's success in reviving the struggling economy, invited the seventeen-time Tour de France winner to the White House to celebrate, with what White House insiders are calling a 'Hero's Three-way'. Although details are vague, sources close to the twenty-three time Tour de France winner disclosed that it involved Lance Armstrong, President Obama and a bald eagle.

The BBC is reporting that since learning about Armstrong's global rescue exploits, Bono has cried himself to sleep every night and has stopped eating. Bono could not be reached for comment.

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Cavutto's Father Takes 5-Year Old Cavutto to a Restaurant

Two please. Thanks.

Ok, buddy, what do you want? No, they don't have peanut butter sandwiches here. Nope, no hotdogs either. It's a pizza place, kiddo, so we're getting a pizza. What do you want on it? Really? You don't like any of the toppings?

Oh, hi. Yes, we'll have a medium pizza, half cheese, half pepperoni. What do you want to drink, sport? Root beer? Looks like they don't have root beer, duder. Coke? No? Sprite? No? How about orange soda. Great, an orange soda and a coke please.

Ok, that's enough. Please put the knife down. I mean it. Down. That's Sweet and Low. Sugar. No, you can't eat it. I don't know what the difference is, it's just sugar. I don't know why there are so many colored ones. Fine, eat it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't cry, little buddy! It's just a piece of pepperoni. The cook probably just cut the pizza a little badly. We can just pull it off, see? Oh, c'mon! Take a deep breath, slugger. You're just going to rip all the cheese off anyways.

Aw, what now? Well, you didn't tell the lady 'no ice'. No, you didn't. No, no, no...you didn't. It makes your teeth cold? Well use a straw. No, it doesn't make you look like you have a 'kissy face'. People use straws all the...fine, I'll take the ice out. What? No, I promise I just washed my hands. Fine, I'll use a spoon.

Really? You're going to pull all the cheese off and then wipe the sauce off the pizza with a napkin? We're at a restaurant, chief. You can't leave a pile of sauced up napkins on the table. Fine, you can leave them on your plate. How about that crust? You're not going to eat it? So, let me get this straight, you won't eat the cheese, the sauce or the crust? Godda...next time we're going to a place with hot dogs.

Check please.

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Cavutto Recommends

It's time for another installment of...

Cavutto Recommends:

Going to Work - Going to work is something that Cavutto does almost every day and it's a nice way to get money. I recommend going to work and then acting like you give a shit about the things that happen there. I had my review today at work and it was really good, which I believe is the result of showing up and acting like I give a shit.

Peanut Butter Crackers - I used to be in the 'Cookie Camp', but I find that lately, if I eat a bunch of cookies before going to bed, I wake up with a stomach ache. Feels like I ate lead. Peanut butter crackers don't do this - I think it's because the crackers are lighter and flakier. Plus, I totally love salt on stuff and cookies from the store don't have enough salt in them.

Conserving Electricity - Hey, Chief Megawatt! Turn out the lights before you go to bed! I know that the lamp is on the opposite side of the bed than the radio, but try to get over there at some point and turn the little knob! The electric bill was $103 last month, broseph! You live alone in a studio apartment, for Pete's sake!

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Junkyard Unicorn

I think that unicorns are probably the least imaginative mythical animals. Somebody just stuck a horn on a horse! You heard it here first, folks. It's just a horse with a horn. That's totally lame. Not even two horns...just the one. You can't just stick a horn on something and call it magical. You gotta give it fire breath and make it 4 times bigger than normal and let it fly and maybe a few well-placed razor sharp claws. A horn? You gotta be kidding me. If I invented the unicorn, I would've at least made it black with red eyes and my unicorn would've smoke cigarettes all the time and stabbed folks every once in a while. You never hear any stories about unicorns every stabbing shit with their horns either. They're always prancing around rainbows and standing on top of foggy ledges in the middle of the night. Not cool, unicorn. Well, the foggy ledge thing is sorta cool, but you gotta stay away from the rainbows. Foggy ledges are wizard territory anyways. I wanna see a picture of a unicorn in a junkyard with 3 or 4 rabbits skewered onto the horn and blood running down its face. That would be an impressive beast. Nobody fucks with Junkyard Unicorn.

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Cavutto Recommends

Cavutto Recommends:

- Chilean Wine - Chile has really developed a robust wine culture and the delicate flavor of its fuckin' grapes is bangin'! Ha, I just watched 'Sideways' (which I do not recommend) and there's a lot of wine mumbo-jumbo in there. Anyways, I tried a Chilean wine from the local package store a few weeks ago because that shit is CHEAP! Wicked cheap! I got pretty loaded for like $7 and afterwards I didn't have to clean up a bunch of beer bottles.

- Not Flying Your Sleigh in the Fog - C'mon Santa. For real. We know Rudolph's nose lights up, and I'm sure it might help a little, but don't try to be a hero. I know you can't wait to get the hell out of the North Pole, but really...just wait it out.

- Trying Not to Fall Asleep at Night- I know, this might seem like strange recommendation, but I've been doing it lately and it's pretty cool. After you get into bed at night, throw on NPR and try to listen to it as long as you can. After a while you will have trouble paying attention and that's when your body is trying to fall asleep - but don't let it! Keep trying to pay attention. It never really works, but the part where you can hear the talk but it's all smooshed together and incomprehensible is sorta neat.

- Getting the Chicken Pot Pie - No, don't get what you were originally going to get. You could probably make that at home in like 10 minutes anyways. Get the chicken pot pie. It goes really well with the Chilean wine you smuggled in to the restaurant, too!

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Missed Calculations

I miss my old calculator. I have a new calculator and I don't trust it for some reason. I know it sounds pretty stupid, but I just don't trust it. Me and the old calculator, we built up a repoire after years of calculating together. I knew what I was getting from it: answers. Correct answers. I just don't know about this calculator. It gave me some answers today, but they were tragically incorrect. Now our whole calculating relationship is strained. Why should I have to double check every sum, every quotient, every difference and product? I shouldn't have to, that's why. Yeah, you heard me, you crappy LexisNexis calculator! You're no friggin' Texas Instrument! You're not even in the Casio leagues! I hate your stupid rubberized buttons that may or may not work when I press them lightly! I think you screwed me on a decimal point somewhere too, because I came out a thousand numbers away from the real answer! That's not even ballpark close - that's more like hemisphere close. I gotta admit, at first I was totally diggin' you. That gunmetal grey plastic and dark, black buttons. So brooding...so mysterious. There was the way your body arched ever so slightly. Rawr. But really, you're cheap. I mean, I picked you up and you weighed next to nothing. I don't know why, but I really want a calculator with some heft to it, you know? A little meat on its circuit boards. You, my friend, are crappy and frankly, pretty stupid too. That's why I am going to march down to 'support services' and ask them for a new one. I'm sure they are going to love my reasoning too..."Yeah, I need a new calculator. I think this one is wrong sometimes. Can I have a heavier one? Yeah, the heaviest one you got. Super, thanks."

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Cavutto Recommends

Cavutto Recommends:

Civilization Revolution - Do you feel like the day just has way too many hours? So does Cavutto. Cavutto recommends wasting untold numbers of them with this game for Xbox 360. It's made by the same guy that made The Sims, but instead of peeing on yourself and burning down your kitchen, you become death, destroyer of worlds. Rated T for Teen.

Not Watching Commercials - Cavutto has DVR, so he only watches commercials during Yankees games, because they must be watched live. Not watching commercials is the greatest thing ever because commercials are boring and belong in zoos full of boring fucking things that only keep little kids interested because they are too dumb to realize what the hell is going on and as long as something is moving in front of their eyes, they won't cry.

Putting on a Few Pounds - Fuck it.

Recommending Things - Cavutto has been devoid of ideas for blogs lately, but recommending things seemed real easy because he can just write snippets about things that he likes instead of boring dreams or creepy blind guys on the bus. Try it.

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Dead Network

This morning on the bus I was thinking about the future of the internet - specifically, social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace. I bet that in 40 years, half of my 'social network' will be dead. That's a fuckin' weird thought. I don't think that I want to live a life where half of my social network consists of dead people. I'm kind of assuming that the profiles will stay there once the registrant has expired, which is just plain weird. Obviously, there will come a time when all of my social network is dead (along with myself), since I will not be around to confirm new contacts. Does that mean that nobody will ever be able to view my profile? (Assuming that I do not change the current privacy settings) It feels sort of like that 'tree falling in the woods' crap. If nobody can view my profile, does it still exist? Maybe in 300 years, somebody will decide to unlock all of the previously private profiles so that some cyber-archaeology can take place. I wish I could do that right now and see what people 300 years ago would've put on their profiles. I bet a lot of status updates would've been like 'Charles Wilson is three more days until Crusading!' or 'Elizabeth Smith is stil nawt litrit.'

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Weirdo on the Bus

So the other day I was riding home on the bus, you know, just minding my own business, reading a book about Mao Tse-Tung, when out of the corner of my eye I caught the guy across from me looking right at me.

Ok, let me back up for a minute. First of all, I was sitting near the front of the bus where the seats run along the windows on either side. They kind of force you to look at the person across from you a little. Second of all, the guy across from me had sunglasses on, so I guess 'theoretically' he could've been looking out the window behind me, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt on that.

Anyways, I go back to my book. A few minutes later, I look up and the dude is staring right at me still! He doesn't even pretend to look away when I look up at him. It made me really nervous.

Then I see him put his hand on the leg of the guy next to him and then lean over to say something to him. It was really weird though because he kept his hand on the guys leg waaay too long and they were talking way to close to each other. Then he goes right back to staring at me! Now I'm thinking, 'Great, this gay dude across from me can't stop looking at me. This is really freaky. Please stop looking at me'.

This went on the whole ride home. Guy just kept staring at me and would intermittenly put his hand on the guy next to him and lean in close to talk to him. It was just really, really freaking me out.

When the bus finally got to the Park & Ride lot, I waited for these other two dudes to go first. The two guys say something to each other and then they get up. The guy that was staring at me then puts his hand on the other guy's shoulder and follows him off the bus. That's when I realized that he was blind. The end.

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Pelicans

I'm� thinking about pelicans.� Boy, is that a ridiculous animal.�

(this post has been in the 'draft' stage since Janurary.� I think it's about time I turned� this puppy� loose.)

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Hot Slot-On-Slot Action

So I'm saving up my monies for a great and noble cause like the kind you read about in 'Noble Causes Quarterly'. Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm really saving up to get a slotcar racetrack. It's going to be the best thing since Xbox 360 I think. I've been doing some research into this the past few days and I think I've found the slotcar racetrack of my dreams. It's made by a company called AFX. Word on the 1:64 scale street is that this company makes the best tracks commercially available. Specifically, I'm going to get the AFX 4-Lane Super International Challenge Race Set. Yeah, you read that right! 4 lanes! Fast and furious foursome slotcar racing action in my livingroom. Check it: "The Tomy AFX 4-Lane Super International includes all of the track required to build 4-lane examples of 18 popular Formula 1 circuits." Yeah. I saw 'em. All 18. They're cool.

So, that's my plan. Saving up and dreaming about hot slot-on-slot action. Obviously, we don't have enough room in our apartment for this endeavor, so we're going to have to push the big couch back to the piano and get rid of some coffee tables. My brother is pretty excited about it though, so we're 'go' on the zoning. The only problem I see is that there is never anybody home at my apartment to sign for packages and this isn't the kind of thing I want to have shipped to my office. Imagine that? Ha! Then I'd have to lug that fuckin' thing down the elevators and halfway across downtown Hartford to my bus stop. That ain't happening. So...if anybody knows of a way where I can get this thing shipped to, let me know. Is there a way I can have it delivered to my apartment without having to sign for it?

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Apples and Oranges

I was told last night that I was not allowed to compare apples to oranges. (More specifically, I was not allowed to compare peanutbutter cookies to chocolate chip cookies.)

I will now proceed to successfully compare apples and oranges:

With one, you eat the skin - the other, you peel.

One is generally red or green - the other is orange.

One is crunchy when you bite it, and can be mashed into sauce or squeezed into juice or made into cider or put into "jack" form for the purposes of cereal - the other isn't crunchy, but can also be turned into juice.

Tada.

I think people compare stuff like this all the time. What's the big deal?

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Head-On Snowplow Collision on I-84

As most of you know, my brother works for the Department of Transportation. Drives the big orange highway trucks. Anyways, he was plowing last night and the fuckin' kid got in a head-on collision on I-84 with another goddam plow! Some 85 year old guy got on the highway going the wrong direction and he was driving a 1 ton pick-up truck with a plow on the front at 4am. Kyle drives a 9 ton truck, so you can tell who wins this battle. Luckily, both their plows were angled left, so they pretty much hit and then the old guy got shot into the grass median between the easbound/westbound lanes. Kyle was telling me that he saw him coming down the left-most lane and waited to see which way he was going to swerve - he was planning to go opposite. The fuckin' old guy never swerved so neither did Kyle and BLAM! I don't know if you've ever seen how the DOT plows the highway, but they go in a staggered formation like 3 trucks across. When Kyle hit the brakes on his truck, the plow behind him slammed into him, which was worse than hitting the old dude head-on. Old dude was fine - cops yanked his license right away. Kyle's fine too - says his back hurts from getting hit from behind, but he could just be sore from working a 29 hour shift. Fuckin' old guy had no idea what happened. Unbelievable.

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Restaurant Review: Outback Steakhouse

Hello, hello! (¡Hola!) I was at a place called Outback Steak House (Witchita!). It's everything I hope it doesn't snow, but it...gave me something...I can eeeeeat! I can eeeeeat! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....

Outback Steak House! I ate there for free last night courtesy of Jenn and her super gift card. Steak was ok I guess. Tasted like steak, so it had that going for it, which is nice. The steak was overshadowed by two other things though. Two other magnificent things.

Bondi Beach Tea - One sip and you're transported to a chaise lounge on a sandy shore in war-torn Beirut, Lebanon in the mid '80's: Bacardi Rum, Beefeater and kiwi-melon vodka infusion mix it up with some citrus juice and a splash of Coke. This thing kicked ass.

Vanilla Bean Mashed Sweet Potatoes - One bite and you're transported to an ancient stone temple in fifteenth century Tenochtitlan, Mexico to watch your fellow countrymen sacrificed on an alter to appease a vast array of serpent gods and goddesses (this menu item contains pecans). Holy crap was this good! I didn't realize that they were sweet potatoes though - I didn't know that I liked them! It tasted like vanilla cake but instead of spongy cake, it was mashed potato paste. It was like vanilla paste...but orange! Super good and orange.

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Football

This is what would happen if I played professional football...

(huddle) Alright guys, we're gonna run the Dixie-Do Half-Back Crap-Pants on 6. One, two, three...Teamwork! (end huddle)

Ready? Down! Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hike! (Cavutto and team flawlessly excecute the Dixie-do Half-Back Crap-Pants)

I'm open! I'm open!

(Quarterback hurls a perfect throw to Cavutto)

(Cavutto catches it and immediately gets slammed by some obscenely giant guy on the other team.)

"Aw, what the fuck man! I just got hit! That's it, I fuckin' quit!"

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The Moment of Truth

This show sucked, y'all. I predict it will be huge. This country has an insatiable appetite for crappy TV.

For those of you who are completely unawares:

On THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, the challenge is simple -- answer 21 increasingly personal questions honestly, as determined by a polygraph, and win up to $500,000. This is the only game show where participants know both the questions and the answers before they begin to play. Prior to playing, participants are strapped to a lie detector and asked a series of questions by a polygraph expert, who records their answers. At any time, between the polygraph and the televised game, participants can change their answers or walk away from the competition.

So yeah. That's the show.

Anyways, the first dude to take the seat was an ex-football player named "Ty" Keck. I put his name in quote marks there because a little digging reveals that his real name is Tinker Keck. Ha! Sucker. Anyways, Tinker was billed as a former 'pro' football player. I put his level of play in quotes because a little digging reveals that he really only played in the XFL. He was signed by the NY Giants as an undrafted free agent but was cut in the last week of the preseason (2000). He is currently a personal trainer and has a pretty decent trophy wife I guess.

Anyways, the guy admitted to having a few hit-and-runs, hooking-up with chicks on the first date and checking out other dude's weiners in the lockerroom.

The question he got 'wrong' was pretty funny though. They asked him whether he ever touched his female personal training clients more than was necessary. Dude said 'no', but they lie detector determined that to be a lie. His trophy wife looked kinda pissed about it. Game over. No loot.

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Life After People

So last night I watched the History Channel special 'Life After People'. The premise of the show was a glimpse of what would happen to the Earth if all the humans just disappeared one day. What a complete waste of an hour and a half. Actually, it was a two hour show, but I couldn't sit through the last half hour. Apparently in a world without people, iron will rust, wood will rot and animals will live in my backyard. Can you believe that? I can. Basically, the History channel showed me an abandoned house...or showed me a regular house with computer-enhanced abandonment.

And another thing! Why is the History Channel making a special about what might happen in the future? Did you guys already cover all of history? I know you bled World War II dry, but there must be something else. How about the Greeks? I haven't seen squat about the Greeks in a long time. Or Phoenicians. Or 18th century Philadelphia.

Also...if something seems 'half a world away', does that mean that it is all the way on the other side of the world? Because if something is a 'quarter of the world away', I would assume that would make it half-way to the other side. Doubling that would make it to the other side. Then the problem is when you say something is a 'world away'...because that doesn't sound like double distance to the other side. They must be going to diameter here I guess...not circumference.

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Alien Dream

Ok, another dream blog. I know what you're thinking...it's probably like, "Goddammit, Cavutto! Nobody gives a crap about your stupid dreams. All we care about is text messaging and online banking! Your dreams have no relevance to anything that goes on in my life."

Well, to that I say, 'That's to bad. I'm gonna lose a bunch of sleep over that and wind up going mental or something.'

So last night I had this dream that I was in a car with my buddy Dave and we were driving around and then I saw these stars in the sky that lit up green. There were like 4 or 5 of them and they lined up in a row with sorta big spaces in between them. Then the center one turned red and the green ones started blinking on the outside. Then they formed an arrow with the red one at the point and I told Dave to follow the arrow cause he was driving. I was real nervous because we were following alien instructions and stuff but I really wanted to know what was up. So everytime the arrow shifted directions, we followed it.

Then, all of a sudden!

The arrow like moved behind the car kinda...just out of view from the windshield. It was sorta directly over us, but behind us a little.

So I stuck my head out the sunroof to look back at it AND THERE WAS A FUCKING ALIEN LAYING DOWN ON TOP OF THE CAR!!!!

I totally freaked out.

It looked sorta like what you always see alien depictions looking like - greyish dude with a oblong head and big, black, lifeless eyes...except it wasn't all cartoony and his skin was a darker grey (sorta like a fish maybe) and his head was more shaped like a humans, but a little bigger and kinda lumpy around the side of his eyes.

It was real scary.

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How To Deal With Mice

This is how a Japanese person gets rid of mice.

It's war. So you need to declare war against the enemy now.
But if I were you I'd prepare no weapon but some tools and materials to close holes,hand light,concrete paste,wood piece and so on.
As you closed all holes it's the best strategy I think.
But you must make sure the root the enemy came in.
If you'd find the leftover of the enemy next time you should stand up with anger.
I hope you'll over come and have good result.

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