Blogs in the Attic

I'm the worst blogger ever. I just can't update this thing as much as I would like to and I'm starting to feel like a neglectful parent who chains up my blog in the attic and whenever it starts whimpering about the spiders I knock on the ceiling with a broom handle to really give it something to cry about. I yell, "Don't make me come up there, blog!" and the blog is all screaming, "You never come up here!" so I yell back, "We're eating lobster down here but we can never feed you good things because you don't apprecieate nice things!" The screaming match goes on for a long time until I realize that the blog actually likes the screaming because someone is paying attention to it. Then I get really really quiet and listen to it moan and sob incessantly until it finally cries itself to sleep. Then I bang on the ceiling again to wake it up and it starts howling all over again. "My chains are chaffing!" "My spider bite is infected!" "How can you sit down there and watch Full House reruns all night!" That Full House comment really touches a raw nerve with me so I run up to the attic in a fit of rage and scream, "You shut up about Full House! Aunt Becky is the most wonderful person in the entire world! You are the most disrespectful and unappreciative blog I have ever laid eyes on!" Goddammit blog! That Full House comment was really uncalled for!