Gaffigan Bits
You know what sucks? Cake. You know what doesn't suck? Jim Gaffigan.
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
You're not supposed to have cake for breakfast, of course, but somehow pancakes slid through. I don't know how that happened. It's like, "Young man you're not having cake for breakfast. You're having fried cake with syrup for breakfast. Now load up on that and try not to nap."
I'm actually one of six kids, Catholic. You ever notice people from big Catholic families, they always throw in that "Catholic" after the number? "Six kids, Catholic. Six kids, Catholic." Like if you didn't hear the "Catholic" part, you'd think, "six kids? His mother is a whore."
I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like "He's got a Latin temper!" But if you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like, "That guy's a dick! Stay away from him! He's a turd" When a black guy walks in people are like, "Denzel Washington, Samuel Jackson." When I walk in they're like, "I gotta do my taxes...and I hate John Tesh."
I was watching Animal Planet, did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." "...the male has the baby. You're fired."
I can't believe we got grades in gym class, I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers, based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."
How about those people who don't need sleep, what are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
(On people asking if he's in a well while using speaker phone) "You sound like you're in a well. Are you in a well?" I said "Yes I am in a well, but luckily, there's a phone down here. I'm just down in a well, making phone calls. I was having people guess, but you knew right away, you're so good at the well guessing."
