I Got Ninety Nine Problems...

...and bitches are like 4 of them maybe. Ever notice that animals friggin' love nature? If I was an animal, I would want to be a bird because birds seem like they would be able to escape from everything except cages. Wow, this blog is so deep. I should really erase it and start all over again. Fuck it. I like sitting down with no ideas whatsoever and typing. I wouldn't be doing this if my goddam fantasy baseball team didn't suck so bad. I used to spend my mornings working on it. Comparing stats and looking at match-ups, but ever since they started sucking, it's like I resent them or something. I just want to call a team meeting and be like, "Alright team, I just wanted to let you all know that you suck so bad. Is Ichiro here? Where? Oh. Dude, you gotta like stand on the bench or something cause I can never see you. Cool. Yeah, Ichiro, you're like the only one that's not sucking real bad. The rest of you bums...where do I even begin. Mike Lowell. What are you, like 45 years old? You had a pretty good week last week, but you really gotta get that 'Just For Men' beard coloring stuff. Keith Hernandez uses it and you like Keith Hernandez, right? Alright, now who the hell is Orlando Hudson? I don't know who you are, but I had to drop Ian Kinsler at second base and you were the best guy I could pick up off of free agency. Is your name really 'Orlando', because that's wicked gay. I bet you're black. You suck really bad and I wish there were more second basemen still available. Dice-k, Dice-k, Dice-k...man, you are such a let down. You were my first round draft pick too! What was I thinking? You suck really bad. There's a guy on this team called J.J. Putz and he's given me almost a hundred more points than you! A guy named 'Putz'! For real. Speaking of J.J.s, I'm really kinda pissed off at you too, J.J. Hardy. I thought that having two J.J.'s would lend itself too all kinds of cool duo nicknames, but you haven't been producing at all for like the past month. I should've known better than to pick up a shortstop from Milwaukee. I should've known better than to pick up anyone from Milwaukee. Yeah, that's right, I'm looking at you, Yovani Gallardo. Wait, now that I look at your stats, you aren't actually doing that bad. Dang! I'm sorry I had you on reserves the past few weeks. I just thought your name sounded ridiculous. My bad. You're in from now on. Go warm up."