Dear Britney Spears,

Dear Britney Spears,

Hi again! It's me, Ryan. I saw a clip of your performance at the MTV awards, courtesy of the Today Show this morning. Matt Lauer was kind of a dick to you, but whatev! Well, after watching the clip, I thought that maybe I could give you a few pointers on how to maybe do better next time.

First of all, I'd like to address that song you sang. I only heard a snippet of it, but it seemed awful repetitive (which is really saying a lot since I only saw a clip!). I think that maybe next time you're writing a song, you should really try to concentrate more. Maybe turn the TV off or don't listen to other music so loudly. You have to try to find a quite place with no distractions. It really seemed like maybe you were onto something when you kept saying 'baby baby baby' over and over again. I mean, who doesn't like a heartfelt song from a mother to her children? I just think that maybe you could've gone a bit deeper with it, that's all.

Also, I think you might need to take some more dancing lessons. Don't get me wrong, I tried to dance at a wedding last summer and it was a disaster! It's so much harder than it looks! You just have to remember that if you are dancing the same dance with a bunch of people and you forget what the DJ told you to do, just follow everybody else. Nobody's really looking at you in particular...they're just looking at a huge group of people dancing. Maybe try to stay in the middle of everybody else so you're harder to see.

Well, I guess that's about it. Sorry that everything didn't go quite as you planned. You must be really happy that it only played on MTV! I don't know anyone who actually watches that channel anymore. Can you imagine if it played on the History Channel or some other station people actually watched? How embarrasing! You really dodged a bullet on that one.

Your friend,

Ryan