So, You Want To Be A Spy...

Hey there, kiddo!  While I was rifling through your parents' mailbox this morning, your letter to 'Santa Claus' caught my eye so I steamed it open and photographed it with my miniature camera-pen. 

Nah, just fooling with ya.  I just steamed it open and read it.

Anyways, I noticed about halfway down the list, you requested a 'Junior Spy Kit' from the big man and I figured I'd let you in on a little secret.  If you really want to get your feet wet in the world of espionage, you won't be needing any 'Junior Spy Kits'.  Those things are just toys that at the very least will let your write 'secret' messages to nobody in particular and at the most will get you bound, gagged and killed somewhere in the former Soviet Union. 

See, espionage is a psychological game that only requires tangible pieces in the most extreme circumstances.  Most of the afforemetioned pieces are poison-tipped, but I'll get back to that later. 

Anyways, the first thing you're going to want to do is determine where and how the information you require is stored. From there, you simply assess the various modes of access and select the most efficient.  Usually, this will be in the form of a 'mark'.  Once you determine who the 'mark' is, you will want him or her to divulge the information through some kind of subterfuge.  Study your mark from afar and take meticulous mental notes of their every action.  Keep an eye out for any sign of weakness - e.g. a predilection towards 'the drink', an easy way with the opposite sex or diminished mental capacity.  Use this to your advantage in a surreptitious manner and they will more than likely hand you the 'keys to the kingdom' without a second thought.

In some circumstances, you will find yourself in the role of an 'in-house' spy.  In these cases, you are going to want to invest in a close-circuit surveillance camera system (get the wireless cameras) with a continuous digital video recorder and motion detecting sensors. Don't forget the remote monitoring system!

Now, if your parents...or Santa Clause...already read your letter, they may try to appease you with the 'Junior Spy Kit' you asked for.  Chances are, you will wind up with some rudimentary form of a detective kit.  This is a common mistake among those unfamiliar with the world of espionage.  See, detectives are lackeys, kid.  Toadies.  Mindless hirelings who prefer 'stake-outs' to the more risky maneuverings of an international spy.  You might get some fingerprinting powder or a magnifying glass.  Throw this all away, preferrably in a neighbor's garbage bin.  Get your hands on some polonium or other untraceable radioactive poison and start poison-tipping whatever you are going to bring with you.  Hell, you could even poison-tip the things you aren't going to bring with you.  This will keep the snoops off your tail.  Once you're out there infiltrating clandestine operations, you never know when you're gonna have to 'off' a few folks or possibly even yourself.  That's just how the game is played. 

Ok, that should be enough for you to learn the ropes.  Happy spying!  Now go get yourself a nice, new fedora.