Why Joe Rogan Ruined the Economy
The year was 1990. The place: Guyana. A 23 year-old grifter named Joe Rogan was about to stumble into one of the most powerful cabals the world has ever known.
The Bilderberg Group was formed shortly after World War II by a close knit group of Nazi acrobats. Brothers Gerzenfling and Blaupunkt Bilderberg were reportedly Adolf Hitler's favorite tumblers in the elite 'Trappenzee Hungzolffenweiss' acrobatics brigade. It was said that their somersaults delighted the Fuhrer so much that he awarded them with the highest award for acrobatics that the Third Reich had to offer - the Iron Baton. The third member of the Group was Engerbaad the Furious Mime, who was actually a Dutch deaf-mute, but all you really needed to be a Nazi acrobat back then was a furious attitude and a little grease paint, but I digress...
In the weeks following the war, the group tumbled and mimed their way across Europe, narrowly avoiding capture several times through their deft cartwheelings and furious miming, until they boarded a hot-air balloon in Morocco and finally touched down in Guyana.
Guyana, during the 1950's, 1960's and 1970's was nothing more than a minor ex-Nazi acrobat commune with a thriving scrimshaw exporting industry. The Bilderberg group was well known for their excellent sperm whale tooth designs depicting graceful somersaulting Nazi acrobats. I mean, these were museum quality pieces - the kind of shaw you just didn't see in the latter half of the 20th century. Their specialty was in creating shading cross-hatches that were perfectly aligned. Really top notch scrimshaw. You can get some pretty decent coin for this stuff if you had the right connections.
Anyways, in 1988, Joe Rogan graduated from MIT with a degree in boat building. Instead of finding work in a respectable boat building firm, Joe, always the renegade, decided to build his own submarine and embark for a life as an undersea grifter specializing in three card monte and wristwatch thievery.
So, one spring day in 1990, Joe Rogan surfaced his submarine next to a Guyanese Coast Guard ship and was getting his three card monte table set up on the bridge when his submarine ran aground. Poor Joe Rogan was devastated, so he went to the nearest Tiki Bar and ordered a scotch on the rocks. Little did he know that he was sitting next to the world famous Bilderberg Group. Upon seeing some of their exquisite scrimshaw sitting on the bar, he came up with a brilliant idea. After explaining his plan to the Bilderbergs, the Group laughed at him, which sent Joe into a drunken rage. He punched Engerbaad the Furious Mime in the face so hard that it killed him, and that's when the Bilderberg Group knew Joe Rogan meant business. They shook hands and the brothers Bilderberg and Joe Rogan became the foundation of what we know as the Bilderberg Group today.
The plan was devilishly simple. First, Joe Rogan built a museum in Guyana. Then, he found an infant, taught it how to smoke cigars and then the board of directors (The Bilderberg Group) voted the cigar smoking infant to be the president of the museum. Once that was established, Joe Rogan acted as a scrimshaw dealer and sold the Bilderberg's scrimshaw to the museum for a wildly high price. Since everyone knows that infants don't have a ton of money, the group would ignore the payments - always making sure to pay the sales tax though, to avoid the Guyanese IRS - and then have the museum's board of directors insure the scrimshaw for a lot of money. Then they would put the cigar smoking infant president in his crib to take a nap and the whole place would burn down. They would collect the insurance money, build a new museum, find a new infant and teach it to smoke cigars, sell him scrimshaw, insure it, put him down for his nap, collect insurance money all over again.
This little scheme was working like clockwork for the first 18 years and they were going through 3 or 4 museums a year. Nobody really knows how much money was generated by the scheme, although it is estimated to be several billion.
Then came November of 2008. A new president was elected to the White House, and this president, unlike his predecessor, wasn't about to let American insurance companies insure museums run by cigar smoking infants. The cigar smoking infant museum president lobby wasn't able to pull any strings with this new administration, so Joe Rogan had to put the Bilderberg Group to work on a new, even more devious plan to ruin the American economy so Obama would leave. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha (that's Joe Rogan's laugh, not mine).
The Bilderberg Group was formed shortly after World War II by a close knit group of Nazi acrobats. Brothers Gerzenfling and Blaupunkt Bilderberg were reportedly Adolf Hitler's favorite tumblers in the elite 'Trappenzee Hungzolffenweiss' acrobatics brigade. It was said that their somersaults delighted the Fuhrer so much that he awarded them with the highest award for acrobatics that the Third Reich had to offer - the Iron Baton. The third member of the Group was Engerbaad the Furious Mime, who was actually a Dutch deaf-mute, but all you really needed to be a Nazi acrobat back then was a furious attitude and a little grease paint, but I digress...
In the weeks following the war, the group tumbled and mimed their way across Europe, narrowly avoiding capture several times through their deft cartwheelings and furious miming, until they boarded a hot-air balloon in Morocco and finally touched down in Guyana.
Guyana, during the 1950's, 1960's and 1970's was nothing more than a minor ex-Nazi acrobat commune with a thriving scrimshaw exporting industry. The Bilderberg group was well known for their excellent sperm whale tooth designs depicting graceful somersaulting Nazi acrobats. I mean, these were museum quality pieces - the kind of shaw you just didn't see in the latter half of the 20th century. Their specialty was in creating shading cross-hatches that were perfectly aligned. Really top notch scrimshaw. You can get some pretty decent coin for this stuff if you had the right connections.
Anyways, in 1988, Joe Rogan graduated from MIT with a degree in boat building. Instead of finding work in a respectable boat building firm, Joe, always the renegade, decided to build his own submarine and embark for a life as an undersea grifter specializing in three card monte and wristwatch thievery.
So, one spring day in 1990, Joe Rogan surfaced his submarine next to a Guyanese Coast Guard ship and was getting his three card monte table set up on the bridge when his submarine ran aground. Poor Joe Rogan was devastated, so he went to the nearest Tiki Bar and ordered a scotch on the rocks. Little did he know that he was sitting next to the world famous Bilderberg Group. Upon seeing some of their exquisite scrimshaw sitting on the bar, he came up with a brilliant idea. After explaining his plan to the Bilderbergs, the Group laughed at him, which sent Joe into a drunken rage. He punched Engerbaad the Furious Mime in the face so hard that it killed him, and that's when the Bilderberg Group knew Joe Rogan meant business. They shook hands and the brothers Bilderberg and Joe Rogan became the foundation of what we know as the Bilderberg Group today.
The plan was devilishly simple. First, Joe Rogan built a museum in Guyana. Then, he found an infant, taught it how to smoke cigars and then the board of directors (The Bilderberg Group) voted the cigar smoking infant to be the president of the museum. Once that was established, Joe Rogan acted as a scrimshaw dealer and sold the Bilderberg's scrimshaw to the museum for a wildly high price. Since everyone knows that infants don't have a ton of money, the group would ignore the payments - always making sure to pay the sales tax though, to avoid the Guyanese IRS - and then have the museum's board of directors insure the scrimshaw for a lot of money. Then they would put the cigar smoking infant president in his crib to take a nap and the whole place would burn down. They would collect the insurance money, build a new museum, find a new infant and teach it to smoke cigars, sell him scrimshaw, insure it, put him down for his nap, collect insurance money all over again.
This little scheme was working like clockwork for the first 18 years and they were going through 3 or 4 museums a year. Nobody really knows how much money was generated by the scheme, although it is estimated to be several billion.
Then came November of 2008. A new president was elected to the White House, and this president, unlike his predecessor, wasn't about to let American insurance companies insure museums run by cigar smoking infants. The cigar smoking infant museum president lobby wasn't able to pull any strings with this new administration, so Joe Rogan had to put the Bilderberg Group to work on a new, even more devious plan to ruin the American economy so Obama would leave. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha (that's Joe Rogan's laugh, not mine).
Leave a Comment
Vincent on
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Dude! You remember my old avatar where I had that child smoking a cigarette? OMGWTF. But I digress. I love this kind of writing, and at a time when I'm less drunk I'll read it all but heck yeah man. |
tortfeasor on
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Here are my questions: 1. Not why, but how did Joe Rogan ruin the economy? 2. What's scrimshaw? 3. Where did you learn all this German? |
Cavutto on
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Yep, the Fear Factor guy. Most people don't know that he brought masterminding to a whole new level. He distracts you with Fear Factor while he's busy running scams in Guyana. It's called 'sleight of career'. :) 1. I haven't been able to uncover how he is ruining it. I just found the reason behind it. 2. Scrimshaw is an old craft that whalers and stuff did. They would etch pictures into whale teeth and then rub a pigment on it to make the etchings dark against the white tooth background. Kind of fell out of favor like a hundred years ago. 3. I invented all of the German, except for the word 'Blaupunkt'. It was a popular brand of car stereo in the 1960's-1970's, which, coincidentally, is where my dad acquired all of his consumer electronics preferences. |
