I'm thinking about pelicans.  Boy, is that a ridiculous animal. 

Dear Diary,

Hi again!  It's me, Cavutto.  I hope you have been well.  I've been an incredible asshole recently.  Like, mindblowingly assholish. 

See, since about December, I've been playing a whole bunch of Risk games online.  Like, seven or eight at a time.  Turns out, I am an incredibly dickish world conqueror and people no longer wish to play with me.  Even people I know in real life don't want to play with me anymore.  Here is a brief list of 'questionable' tactics I'm fond of using, which may or may not have resulted in the negative feedback I receive from other players:

• Name calling:  This really gets under people's skin.  Nobody likes being called a 'dumbass' after I stomp all over them and take their territories.
• Torture:  That's right.  Torture.  I know, I know - "It's a boardgame, Ryan!  There aren't even rules/regulations that pertain to 'torture' in any sense of the word."  But I figured out how to anyways.  See, towards the end of the game when I'm completely dominating some poor sap, rather than finish him off and say 'Good game.', I prefer to push him just inches away from defeat and then end my turn.  Then he/she's pretty much stuck with an untennable position and I resort to the former bullet point and start making fun of them
• Gender discrimination:  Although it's relatively safe to assume that 99% of online Risk players are guys, I just fuckin' love using female pronouns on everybody.  This will really get them riled up.  Once they're sufficiently furious, blame their anger on PMS or something.  Score.
• Suicide:  If I find myself in an unwinnable game, I'll just kamikaze my troops into some poor sap.  This usually spells defeat for both of us because I can often substantially weaken him to the point where we are both completely vulnerable to attacks. 
• Team Suicide:  This one really pisses people off.  For this asshole maneuver, I need to be on a team with some other sucker.  If I feel like our team is in an unwinnable situation, I'll make the executive decision to suicide my guys into an opponents troops.  It's virtually impossible to win a game when your teammate is out.  Fuck it.  I don't wanan sit there and slowly lose for possibly days. 
• Gloating in my assholery:  Yeah.  I fuckin' love it.  Turns out, I'm the only one.

Yeah, so that's about it.  The thing about this particular online site is that you can leave positive/negative feedback for the people you play with.  Most people have no negative feedback at all...but there are a few with lots!  I'm getting there.  8 positive - 2 negative.  If I can keep up the 25% negative, it will be fuckin' awesome. 

I was told last night that I was not allowed to compare apples to oranges.  (More specifically, I was not allowed to compare peanutbutter cookies to chocolate chip cookies.)

I will now proceed to successfully compare apples and oranges:

With one, you eat the skin - the other, you peel.

One is generally red or green - the other is orange.

One is crunchy when you bite it, and can be mashed into sauce or squeezed into juice or made into cider or put into "jack" form for the purposes of cereal - the other isn't crunchy, but can also be turned into juice.

Tada.

I think people compare stuff like this all the time.  What's the big deal? 

Hello, hello!  (¡Hola!)  I was at a place called Outback Steak House (Witchita!).  It's everything I hope it doesn't snow, but it...gave me something...I can eeeeeat!  I can eeeeeat!  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah....

Outback Steak House!  I ate there for free last night courtesy of Jenn and her super gift card.  Steak was ok I guess.  Tasted like steak, so it had that going for it, which is nice.  The steak was overshadowed by two other things though.  Two other magnificent things. 

Bondi Beach Tea - One sip and you're transported to a chaise lounge on a sandy shore in war-torn Beirut, Lebanon in the mid '80's: Bacardi Rum, Beefeater and kiwi-melon vodka infusion mix it up with some citrus juice and a splash of Coke.  This thing kicked ass. 

Vanilla Bean Mashed Sweet Potatoes - One bite and you're transported to an ancient stone temple in fifteenth century Tenochtitlan, Mexico to watch your fellow countrymen sacrificed on an alter to appease a vast array of serpent gods and goddesses (this menu item contains pecans).  Holy crap was this good!  I didn't realize that they were sweet potatoes though - I didn't know that I liked them!  It tasted like vanilla cake but instead of spongy cake, it was mashed potato paste.  It was like vanilla paste...but orange!  Super good and orange.

This show sucked, y'all.  I predict it will be huge.  This country has an insatiable appetite for crappy TV.

For those of you who are completely unawares:

On THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, the challenge is simple -- answer 21 increasingly personal questions honestly, as determined by a polygraph, and win up to $500,000. This is the only game show where participants know both the questions and the answers before they begin to play. Prior to playing, participants are strapped to a lie detector and asked a series of questions by a polygraph expert, who records their answers. At any time, between the polygraph and the televised game, participants can change their answers or walk away from the competition.

So yeah.  That's the show. 

Anyways, the first dude to take the seat was an ex-football player named "Ty" Keck.  I put his name in quote marks there because a little digging reveals that his real name is Tinker Keck.  Ha!  Sucker.  Anyways, Tinker was billed as a former 'pro' football player.  I put his level of play in quotes because a little digging reveals that he really only played in the XFL.  He was signed by the NY Giants as an undrafted free agent but was cut in the last week of the preseason (2000).  He is currently a personal trainer and has a pretty decent trophy wife I guess. 

Anyways, the guy admitted to having a few hit-and-runs, hooking-up with chicks on the first date and checking out other dude's weiners in the lockerroom. 

The question he got 'wrong' was pretty funny though.  They asked him whether he ever touched his female personal training clients more than was necessary.  Dude said 'no', but they lie detector determined that to be a lie.  His trophy wife looked kinda pissed about it.  Game over.  No loot. 

So last night I watched the History Channel special 'Life After People'.  The premise of the show was a glimpse of what would happen to the Earth if all the humans just disappeared one day.  What a complete waste of an hour and a half.  Actually, it was a two hour show, but I couldn't sit through the last half hour.  Apparently in a world without people, iron will rust, wood will rot and animals will live in my backyard.  Can you believe that?  I can.  Basically, the History channel showed me an abandoned house...or showed me a regular house with computer-enhanced abandonment. 

And another thing!  Why is the History Channel making a special about what might happen in the future?  Did you guys already cover all of history?  I know you bled World War II dry, but there must be something else.  How about the Greeks?  I haven't seen squat about the Greeks in a long time.  Or Phoenicians.  Or 18th century Philadelphia. 

Also...if something seems 'half a world away', does that mean that it is all the way on the other side of the world?  Because if something is a 'quarter of the world away', I would assume that would make it half-way to the other side.  Doubling that would make it to the other side.  Then the problem is when you say something is a 'world away'...because that doesn't sound like double distance to the other side.  They must be going to diameter here I guess...not circumference. 

Ok, another dream blog.  I know what you're thinking...it's probably like, "Goddammit, Cavutto!  Nobody gives a crap about your stupid dreams.  All we care about is text messaging and online banking!  Your dreams have no relevance to anything that goes on in my life."

Well, to that I say, 'That's to bad.  I'm gonna lose a bunch of sleep over that and wind up going mental or something.'

So last night I had this dream that I was in a car with my buddy Dave and we were driving around and then I saw these stars in the sky that lit up green.  There were like 4 or 5 of them and they lined up in a row with sorta big spaces in between them.  Then the center one turned red and the green ones started blinking on the outside.  Then they formed an arrow with the red one at the point and I told Dave to follow the arrow cause he was driving.  I was real nervous because we were following alien instructions and stuff but I really wanted to know what was up.  So everytime the arrow shifted directions, we followed it. 

Then, all of a sudden!

The arrow like moved behind the car kinda...just out of view from the windshield.  It was sorta directly over us, but behind us a little. 

So I stuck my head out the sunroof to look back at it AND THERE WAS A FUCKING ALIEN LAYING DOWN ON TOP OF THE CAR!!!!

I totally freaked out.

It looked sorta like what you always see alien depictions looking like - greyish dude with a oblong head and big, black, lifeless eyes...except it wasn't all cartoony and his skin was a darker grey (sorta like a fish maybe) and his head was more shaped like a humans, but a little bigger and kinda lumpy around the side of his eyes. 

It was real scary.

(This terrible story was made possible by Elmore Leonard's 10 Rules of Writing - of which every rule was promptly broken....and by viewers like you.  Thank you.)

Hey there, kiddo!  While I was rifling through your parents' mailbox this morning, your letter to 'Santa Claus' caught my eye so I steamed it open and photographed it with my miniature camera-pen. 

Nah, just fooling with ya.  I just steamed it open and read it.

Anyways, I noticed about halfway down the list, you requested a 'Junior Spy Kit' from the big man and I figured I'd let you in on a little secret.  If you really want to get your feet wet in the world of espionage, you won't be needing any 'Junior Spy Kits'.  Those things are just toys that at the very least will let your write 'secret' messages to nobody in particular and at the most will get you bound, gagged and killed somewhere in the former Soviet Union. 

See, espionage is a psychological game that only requires tangible pieces in the most extreme circumstances.  Most of the afforemetioned pieces are poison-tipped, but I'll get back to that later. 

Anyways, the first thing you're going to want to do is determine where and how the information you require is stored. From there, you simply assess the various modes of access and select the most efficient.  Usually, this will be in the form of a 'mark'.  Once you determine who the 'mark' is, you will want him or her to divulge the information through some kind of subterfuge.  Study your mark from afar and take meticulous mental notes of their every action.  Keep an eye out for any sign of weakness - e.g. a predilection towards 'the drink', an easy way with the opposite sex or diminished mental capacity.  Use this to your advantage in a surreptitious manner and they will more than likely hand you the 'keys to the kingdom' without a second thought.

In some circumstances, you will find yourself in the role of an 'in-house' spy.  In these cases, you are going to want to invest in a close-circuit surveillance camera system (get the wireless cameras) with a continuous digital video recorder and motion detecting sensors. Don't forget the remote monitoring system!

Now, if your parents...or Santa Clause...already read your letter, they may try to appease you with the 'Junior Spy Kit' you asked for.  Chances are, you will wind up with some rudimentary form of a detective kit.  This is a common mistake among those unfamiliar with the world of espionage.  See, detectives are lackeys, kid.  Toadies.  Mindless hirelings who prefer 'stake-outs' to the more risky maneuverings of an international spy.  You might get some fingerprinting powder or a magnifying glass.  Throw this all away, preferrably in a neighbor's garbage bin.  Get your hands on some polonium or other untraceable radioactive poison and start poison-tipping whatever you are going to bring with you.  Hell, you could even poison-tip the things you aren't going to bring with you.  This will keep the snoops off your tail.  Once you're out there infiltrating clandestine operations, you never know when you're gonna have to 'off' a few folks or possibly even yourself.  That's just how the game is played. 

Ok, that should be enough for you to learn the ropes.  Happy spying!  Now go get yourself a nice, new fedora.

My computer is running really slow today.  I think I worked it too hard...pushed it to the limit.  I did a lot of intensive computing this morning and now it's paying the price.  I can already tell that it's struggling just to get these letters up into the blog, so I'm going to keep it brief. 

What I need is a stronger computer. 

Something that can handle running a bunch of websites all at the same time and still have enough energy leftover for maybe a chat or something on the side.  Also, it should be made of metal instead of this flimsy plastic.  Aluminum maybe...to keep the weight down but still maintain its structural rigidity. Or steel.  Yeah, steel.  It has to be wireless too.  I don't wanna see any friggin' wires sticking out of it anywhere, so I can compute things on-the-go if I have to.  I'm a very important librarian and I need to compute stuff at, like, seminars and meetings and stuff.  Wi-fi and crap.  Cause I just know someone's gonna be all, 'Hey Cavutto, we need all this stuff computed right now for some giant client or else we're all toast!' and I'll be like, 'Well, I'm inside a pyramid right now, but no problem - beep boop boop boop beep - done!' 

So I was on Amazon.com this morning trying to find a good deal on some uranium ore and I was a little surprised by what other people who purchased it also bought.  (BTW, you can get good old U-238 for $22.95!).  Besides the usual anal enemas and live rabbits, other uranium purchasers also were getting the JL421 Badonkadonk Battle Tank.  Sweetness!

Here are some user reviews:

"I'll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I've purchased overpriced, so-called "battle tanks", then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made mortar. "

"If I had it to do over again, I'd leave my insurance settlement money under my matress a while longer instead of spendin it on one of these things. A Badonkadonk ... more like a Badonkajunk. "

"Overall a good tank, but the A/C is kinda weak, and it's a little slower than I expected. The seats feel kinda sharp and pokey, like they're full of rocks. I was driving on a dirt trail and it just shut down and started smoking, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong for like 3 days. It overheated! Tanks shouldn't overheat."

"I bought this based on the window sticker which stated that it got 2 miles per gallon.
But in reality, in actual desert use, it only gets 1 mile per gallon.
Therefore I do not recommend this particular tank. "

I love Amazon.com. 

Holy crap, I just ate the worst calzone I've ever had.  It was chicken, spinach and ricotta.  WTF was I thinking.  It tasted like pennies and it had the delightful texture of seaweed thrown in for good measure.  Oh man, that was gross.  Double-you-tea-eff man.  Eff that.  Eff that ess right in the aye.  I'm gonna go drink scalding coffee to get that taste out of my mouth and hopefully destroy whatever tastebuds were subject to that filth. 

I should mention that I was hungry enough to eat the whole thing.

I invented a new insult yesterday.  Puddle drinker.  As in, 'Don't be a fuckin' puddle drinker'.

So what's everyone up to for this wonderful Friday night?  We're gonna rock the Rock Band over at my place until about 10.  Unfortunately my brother has to wake up early, so we're going to have to limit the rock to the early hours.  After that, I want to play some skate. I doubt anybody else will want to though. 

Eff that ess right in the aye! 

Yo.

Blog blog blog blog...bloggityy blog blog blog...

Here is a list of things that are stupid.

1. 'You can't have your cake and eat it too'.  Why?  This is the dumbest phrase I've ever heard.  First of all, cake is stupid.  I don't want to own it and I certainly don't want to eat it.  Second of all, the obvious.  What other purpose does cake have besides to be eaten?  I'll think about that one and get back to you.

2. The top row of numbers on my keyboard.  Why is zero all the way at the right side?  This makes no sense to me.  When I count, I hardly ever go ...6, 7, 8, 9, 0.  This is dumb and I want to know whose idea this was.  Same thing goes for the telephone.  Why is that the only number that's totally out of place?  And another thing!  Why do we only count zero when we're counting down?  I think that we should start counting up from zero too.  While we're at it, can we please switch the 12 on a clock with a zero?  Wait, hang on...I'm getting ahead of myself.  What I'm really trying to avoid here is having the second hour of the day be the 'ones'.  So I guess it only makes sense that...

3.  Clock numbers are all screwed up.  The first hour shouldn't be '12' and the second hour of the day certainly shouldn't be the 1's...but the more I think about it, the more this seems almost unavoidable.  Ok, the first hour should be the 1's, second should be 2's and so on...12 should be last (unless we could somehow switch to a base-10 decimal system...that would rock?  Who even uses base-12?  (I just looked it up - it's not base 12...it's more likely base-60 and taken from the mesopotamians.  Turns out, 60 is evenly divided by 12...and it also makes sense for the 60 minutes/60 second thing)  But whatever!  I hate it and it should change.  Decimals baby!  Decimals and metric!

4.  Standard American units of measure are ridiculous.  Everybody knows this.  There is absolutely no reason why we shouldn't be metric like the rest of the world.

5.  Coconut in candy.  This is just gross.  It doesn't even taste like coconut.  It tastes like paper...except paper will eventually break down in your mouth.  Coconut is completely resistant to chewing.  Don't put this in candy. 

6.  Eyelashes.  Do we really need these hairs so close to our eyeballs?  I think this is terrible product placement.  I don't think we need super thick hairs getting all caugh up in super sensitive areas like eyeballs.  Eyebrows?  Fantastic idea.  They stop things like sweat, theoretically.  If I excercised, I would be a huge fan of them.  What are eyelashes supposed to stop?  Certainly not things from poking out my eyes.  Dust?  I don't buy it.