Moby Dick committed suicide last night.  I guess the little guy just couldn't take it anymore.  Apparently he jumped the two inches from the waterline to the rim of the tank and landed about a foot away on the floor.  There was a tiny piece of shit hanging out of his little golden butt.  We just got a new, bigger tank for him too.  Ungrateful little jerk. 

On a side note, does anyone want some water?  It's filtered.  Oh, and gravel too.  We have some gravel.

The Jerkstore called this morning.  I told them they had the wrong number.  Suckers.  Anyways, nobody ever calls me at work anyhow.  One time a legal search engine called me.  That was pretty dumb.  Why the hell would I want to talk to a search engine?  I think the time is ripe for a fire drill.  I'm sure lots of people have forgotten how to use the stairs since the last one.  Almost out of post-its too.  Gonna have to jerryrig some pieces of paper with tape on them.  I'll get them all set up for peeling too.  With skills like this, I should be an office resource manager.  Better yet, an office resource specialist.  Specialist sounds so much cooler than manager.  Manager sounds bossy...'specialist' sounds like someone from Mission: Impossible.  I'll show up to work with like a full harness and ropes and a grappling hook.  More jobs need to put 'grappling hook skills' in their job requirements.  The grappling hook has really gone the way of the stenograph (whatever the hell that is).  I want a grappling hook now.  Maybe if I say 'grappling hook' a few more times in this post, an ad will come up for grappling hooks underneath it.  That really typifies my laziness.  I'm too lazy to google 'grappling hook', so I type it seventeen times in a blog instead to try and make a google add show up.  Nice work Ryan.  Grappling hook.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.  I did my laundry and I did something cool last week.  I never wore white socks.  Not once.  I wore my fucking awesome work socks and that was it.  I found the best work socks that humanity has ever constructed.  They're charcoal grey (pretty dark) with blue/green/white argyle things on the side.  I bought a bunch of them so I could wear them all the time.  So, getting back to the white socks...never wore them last week.  Whenever I got home from work, I would change my pants into shorts through a series of intricate magic spells and just sit around barefoot.  Oh yeah!  I almost forgot about this too!  I didn't wear socks all weekend!  I never even put my goddam shoes on!  The whole weekend!  I just danced around barefoot to imaginary songs in my head.  And now for something completely different.  I wonder how the newborn gastrointestinal tract works.  Like, when you first put some food into your kid, isn't it sorta like a test run to make sure it all works right?  That's weird.  Imagine that.  Trying out the new GI for the first time.  They don't use that thing when they're in the womb I think.  I bet all their innards are really tiny too.  I wonder if they're digestive juices are like super powerful because they've never been used.  It's pretty nice that those stomach acids can digest other animials but not our own stomach.  That would be trouble.  I think I would like to see someone drink a glass of newborn stomach acid.  It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.

I found the coolest thing ever today.  Ever?  Yes, I said ever.  It's not even contraband.  Anyways, it's a topographic map of my town from 1944!  I swear I stared at this thing for at least an hour already.  It's pretty cool because only like a quarter of the roads are there yet.  Just the main ones and a few short side roads.  You can really tell why the town is laid out the way it is because they put the main roads on the higher ground (there was still some swampiness in the lower areas according to the map). 

Also, our town was sorta over a small mountain from Wethersfield, which was founded about 350 years ago.  You can see why they chose to cross the 'mountain range' where they did (cedar street by 99's Restaurant) and then our center of town is right on the other side.  Berlin Turnpike (Rt. 5-15) was there too and I think that's a pretty old throroughfare anyways. 

Since it is a topographic map, you can also tell the various elevations throughout town.  Turns out, I live at the highest point in the whole town!  (350 feet above...sea level?)  Our apartment is on 'Vexation Hill'.  I just found that out.  Never heard of it in my whole life.  :)

I also learned, from another source, that when they first started crossing Cedar mountain and coming to this side, they originally came to get some kind of wood to make staves for manufacturing 'pipes', or barrels.  So, the town was originally known as Pipestave Swamp.  Now I live on Vexation Hill in Pipestave Swamp.

Here's a link to the map.  Too big to post here.

(Normal View)  http://static.flickr.com/83/217095968_706718e6ab_b.jpg

(Really big close-up view)  http://static.flickr.com/83/217095968_706718e6ab_o.jpg

The End.

We got a new TV yesterday.  It's fucking huge (36 inches).  I'm thinking we might have to erect some flying buttresses just to be on the safe side.  It's HD too, so now we can tell what religion each baseball player is.  The crappy part is that the day we got it, the Yankees game was on channel 9 so we didn't get to see the HD effect.  What are the chances of that?  I spent the first half of the summer excited as hell for the ch. 9 games because we didn't have cable.  Now that we have HD cable, I curse the gods for putting the stupid game on ch. 9.  We did get to watch the Sox game in HD though and it was unbelievable how different the two games looked.  I also watched the Today show in HD this morning.  Natalie Morales is beyond hot.  Beyond magma even.  I miss having her in CT. 

Man, I'm pretty certain that I'm the hottest thing on the internet.  I just recieved an e-mail from the Internet General saying that I should really try to limit my internet activities.  Turns out, whenever I post something online, it generates so much traffic that all the bandwith in Asia has to be redirected to my cubicle.  Little kids all over the Korean peninsula are simultaneously throwing their computers in rage when I freeze up their Warcraft game.  Chinese kids have begun gathering in Tienemen Square and they are screaming a bunch of gibberish.  It's all over the wires.  This could get ugly. 

Really though...I just got like 5 friend requests from half naked myspace sluts in the span of thirty seconds.  It's fun to imagine though.

I saw an airplane's shadow as it flew by.   I wonder if the shadow gets bigger as the plane flies higher and closer to the light source?  The light source (sun) is so far away and the relative distance between it and the plane doesn't really change to any great degree.  I don't think the shadow would get much bigger than, say, a millimeter.  Then I thought about how you see those huge 747's flying really high up.  Those plane's look like specks in the sky.  The sun, on the other hand, appears to dwarf those planes.  Would they even have a shadow then?  I wouldn't think they would, only because the part of the visible sun that the plane takes up would only be fractional and the rest of the sun would fill in whatever shadow would be there.  Does that make any sense?  Maybe not.  I don't care.  Maybe I didn't want this to make any sense.  Ever think of that?  Hmph!

I think I may have grown up.  You know how when you are a kid and you don't want to eat certain stuff, your parents prophetically say something along the lines of, "You'll change your mind when you grow up."  Sometime in the past week or so I must've grown up.  For instance, right now I'm eating a tuna wrap with lettuce, tomato and cranberry mustard.  Seriously.    I never would've touched this a month ago.  I also got a Reuben recently...and I liked it.  Stromboli?  Check.  I sorta can't believe it.  I think this is going to be so fuckin' great.  I'm finally liberated from the kid's menu. 

Write this:

Just following you around. Did you get this? Just following you around Jay. Can I interest you in an alcoholic beverage? Write that.  Zoot suits, fruit loops and old YooHoos. That's what I'm talking about. Smokin cigarettes and sippin witches brew. Your blog's tested, mom approved.  This is gonna be 2 Skinnee J's dude? Yeah, that's what happens. Aww shit.Ha ha! Did ya get that? Yessss! [clap]. Keep going! [clap]. Write that!! [fart]

to make your jimmy swagger like the Duke!

ha ha!

Hey all.  'Tis Friday.  Kinda excited for Friday today.  I have a feeling that I will be happy when I get out and walk to the bus stop.  That's what happens on Friday.  I walk to the bus stop and think, "You know Cavutto, walking to the bus stop happy 20% of the week isn't really a bad percentage.  When you think about it, you really get 52 happy bus stop walks a year.  I bet the Greeks didn't get 52 happy bus stop walks a year.  You are probably doing better than the Greeks in that respect."  Then I get all down on myself for not building quality parthenons. 

Here's a Friday funny thing.

I found this website while at work today.  I couldn't stop laughing.  Some of Mike's quotes are fantastic:

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating I could feel is muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

“[He] called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."

"He was screaming like my wife."

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles."

"If I take this camera and put it in your face for 20 years, I don't know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old."

"I really dig Hannibal. Hannibal had real guts. He rode elephants into Cartilage."

"I guess I'm gonna fade into Bolivian."

"I just want to conquer people and their souls."

....and my personal favorite.

[To a female reporter] "It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

Friday night was strange.  When somebody says, 'Stranger things have happened...' I think they are referring to stuff like this.  Anyways, Friday night started out pretty slowly.  Nothing going on anywhere and just sitting home watching TV.  Around 10:00 I get a call from my buddy Silberman.  He just got out of work and was hanging out at Finn's, not doing much of anything (he's the cook at Finn's Pub).  So, I decided to head on down and watch the rest of the Sox game.  I wasn't too keen on drinking for some reason, but I was sorta desperate from some kind of social interaction.  Anyways, I get there and Silber appears to be up to his eyeballs in a conversation with some tattooed dude I had never seen.  As soon as I walked over, it struck me that this stranger's voice was extremely familiar.  Like, I'd heard it countless times but I knew that I'd never seen this guy before.  So, Dan introduces me.  It's Stephen Wayne from Wayne Manor on WCCC (local rock radio station).  Turns out, his girlfriend (Phyllis) is the bartender at Finn's.  Now, what was even weirder than this, was that they were in a very animated one-sided discussion about the Civil War.  Now, I know Silber doesn't know shit about history, but Steve was going nuts about Grant's march south and McClellan's ineffectualness.  I was in my element.  We talked about this crap for like an hour.  The guy was a maniac.  Now, he wants me and Dan to come over and watch Ken Burn's Civil War documentary with him.  It's nine fuckin' hours long.  He was dead serious too.  Not too sure I can take 9 hours of Stephen Wayne.  He is an absolute maniac. 

I found this pic on the 'net.  He's the lunatic in the middle. 

Man, I feel like I got the crap kicked out of me this weekend.  My whole body is still sore from going to Naraganset on Saturday.  Yesterday, I could barely make myself move for the better part of the day.  This is mostly a direct result of going out onto the rocks and flying my whiptastic kites in too much wind.  My forearms are killing me from flying the quadline for way too long and pushing the limits of my wrist/forearm stamina.  I wanted to fly that thing so badly that I kept going until I couldn't take it anymore.  I almost crashed it into an RV at the end because I was just totally out of energy.  That's when I knew I had to put it away. 

Then the rocks.  Oh god, the rocks.  We decided to go onto the rock jetty thing.  The ones by the shore weren't so bad, but the ones in the water were covered with barnacles and wicked slippery.  The bottoms of my feet are all sliced up and hurty.  I fell quite a few times and chewed up my knees and chest.  I also learned that I have developed a very dangerous way of falling.  When I lose my footing, instead of putting my arms down to brace myself, I throw them behind me and land right on my chest.  I think I'm scared of breaking my elbow or hand again (they each have plates and 14 - 5 screws respectively).  This seems to have delighted my friends to no end.  Everytime I would slip, my hands would fly back and I would land with a thud right on my chest...on the barnacles.  Laughter ensued.  Thanks guys.  I also have to deal with a relatively accurate mocking impression of the act (albeit, without the resulting impact). I even managed to get a nice 1.5 inch cut on my upper eyelid.  Don't really know how that happened. 

Gonna be a long day. 

What is J.D. Salinger's deal?  I don't understand how people could consider this guy an even passably good writer.  I read 'Catcher in the Rye' years ago and thought it was mundane drivel.  Made it through a few of the Nine Stories thinking, "Alright, maybe Catcher was crap, but this guy is supposed to be good.  I'll give it another try."  Nada.  Now, for lack of something else, I'm making another fruitless forray into fiction with 'Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters'.  More garbage.  Now, I know what you're thinking, "Hey Cavutto, his stuff is supposed to suck.  You wouldn't understand.  You don't get it."  Yeah.  You're probably right.  I don't get how thoughtless crap can be considered good.  It's the literary equivalent of modern 'art'.  A bunch of hacks who couldn't cut it as real artists. 

But then again, I just don't get it.